The story of an attempt to extract public information from the Department of National Defence. Original application: 14 December 2006. This blog is just biding its time, waiting for the last Canadian soldier to leave Afghanistan.
Security Council voting to approve a 12,600-strong UN peacekeeping operation to take over from the African-led mission in Mali on 1 July 2013. UN Photo/JC McIlwaine
OK, that's the "United Nations Multidimensional Integrated Stabilization Mission" in "simplified Chinese," as determined by Google Translate. If you translate that back into English, it is exactly the same as the starting English gibberish, which makes me wonder about Google Translate. How can you translate English bureauspeak into Mandarin and get exactly the same translation back? Has Google Translate insinuated itself into the United Nations, American machine translation not mediated by a human translator sensitive to the subtleties of two languages? Is it also vulnerable to manipulation by American national security state, uh, "agencies"? Am I paranoid?
It's no better in French:"la Mission multidimensionnelle intégrée des Nations Unies pour la stabilisation au Mali (MINUSMA)" - the same bureaucratic mind is at work. It's hard to say about the Chinese. The closest I could come in the official UN translation is: 联合国多层面综合稳定团 And Google translates that as: "Multidimensional United Nations Stabilization Mission in" I used a different online translation as: "UN multi-level synthesis stable group" which isn't bad as a rough translation of the original. It's terrible in all three languages.
Now, it is clear that the decline of a language must ultimately have political and economic causes: it is not due simply to the bad influence of this or that individual writer. But an effect can become a cause, reinforcing the original cause and producing the same effect in an intensified form, and so on indefinitely. A man may take to drink because he feels himself to be a failure, and then fail all the more completely because he drinks. It is rather the same thing that is happening to the English language. It becomes ugly and inaccurate because our thoughts are foolish, but the slovenliness of our language makes it easier for us to have foolish thoughts. The point is that the process is reversible. Modern English, especially written English, is full of bad habits which spread by imitation and which can be avoided if one is willing to take the necessary trouble. If one gets rid of these habits one can think more clearly, and to think clearly is a necessary first step toward political regeneration: so that the fight against bad English is not frivolous and is not the exclusive concern of professional writers.
Nobody would believe it. It sounds like the "disposition matrix". Orwell was so on to these guys:
But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought. A bad usage can spread by tradition and imitation even among people who should and do know better. The debased language that I have been discussing is in some ways very convenient. Phrases like a not unjustifiable assumption, leaves much to be desired, would serve no good purpose, a consideration which we should do well to bear in mind, are a continuous temptation, a packet of aspirins always at one's elbow. Look back through this essay, and for certain you will find that I have again and again committed the very faults I am protesting against. By this morning's post I have received a pamphlet dealing with conditions in Germany. The author tells me that he "felt impelled" to write it. I open it at random, and here is almost the first sentence I see: "[The Allies] have an opportunity not only of achieving a radical transformation of Germany's social and political structure in such a way as to avoid a nationalistic reaction in Germany itself, but at the same time of laying the foundations of a co-operative and unified Europe." You see, he "feels impelled" to write -- feels, presumably, that he has something new to say -- and yet his words, like cavalry horses answering the bugle, group themselves automatically into the familiar dreary pattern. This invasion of one's mind by ready-made phrases (lay the foundations, achieve a radical transformation) can only be prevented if one is constantly on guard against them, and every such phrase anaesthetizes a portion of one's brain.
And - it can't be repeated often enough - here is Germaine Tillion's view on the response to violence:
"We see the United States as deeply worried about terrorism. But effectively fighting against terrorism does not mean increasing the number of military operations; it means fighting against what causes terrorism. If you introduce kindness and gentleness at the place where terrorism begins, you will eradicate terrorism without pain. It is necessary to examine the most sensitive areas of the earth. You can do nothing to stop the seventeen-year-old kid who has decided to place a bomb somewhere. You can do strictly nothing, and any effort against him will just fly back in your face. Countering violence with violence is the most ineffective response imaginable. Instead, we should target the pain, with the goal to alleviate it. I firmly desire a worldwide dialogue, and I would like to see the United States discharged from the monologue. The period of great wars is over. Science has put in the hands of children extraordinary means of death. The greatest error the United States is currently making is to think that international military operations can stop a seventeen-year-old child from acting. The focus should be placed instead on alleviating the pain in the most sensitive regions of the world, beginning with Jerusalem."
Excerpt from “Déchiffrer le silence”:
A Conversation with Germaine Tillion
by Alison Rice
Research in African Literatures 2004 35(1):162-179
"We see the United States as deeply worried about terrorism. But effectively fighting against terrorism does not mean increasing the number of military operations; it means fighting against what causes terrorism. If you introduce kindness and gentleness at the place where terrorism begins, you will eradicate terrorism without pain. It is necessary to examine the most sensitive areas of the earth. You can do nothing to stop the seventeen-year-old kid who has decided to place a bomb somewhere. You can do strictly nothing, and any effort against him will just fly back in your face. Countering violence with violence is the most ineffective response imaginable. Instead, we should target the pain, with the goal to alleviate it. I firmly desire a worldwide dialogue, and I would like to see the United States discharged from the monologue. The period of great wars is over. Science has put in the hands of children extraordinary means of death. The greatest error the United States is currently making is to think that international military operations can stop a seventeen-year-old child from acting. The focus should be placed instead on alleviating the pain in the most sensitive regions of the world, beginning with Jerusalem."
Excerpt from “Déchiffrer le silence”:
A Conversation with Germaine Tillion
by Alison Rice
Research in African Literatures 2004 35(1):162-179
Milo was not only the Vice-Shah or Oran, as it turned out, but also the Caliph of Baghdad, the Imam of Damascus, and the Sheik of Araby. Milo was the corn god, the rain god and the rice god in backward regions where such crude gods were still worshipped by ignorant and superstitious people, and deep inside the jungles of Africa, he intimated with becoming modesty, large graven images of his mustached face could be found overlooking primitive stone altars red with human blood. Everywhere they touched he was acclaimed with honor, and it was one triumphal ovation after another for him in city after city.
al-Qaeda is a thriving brand that began in caves of Afghanistan several decades ago. Our "signature strike" is 9/11.
Recently, we have experienced rapid growth and, like lululemon, had challenges in our supply chain. We are seeking to develop franchises in promising parts of the world. Examples are AQIM (al-Qaeda in the Islamic Mahgreb), AQAP (al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula), and now AQIL (al-Qaeda in Iraq and the Levant). The usual pattern of development is first being an ally of the United States, then being designated as a "terrorist organization" by the United States, and then being bombed by the United States. This is followed by an influx of new consumers who are "early adopters" loyal to the brand. Needless to say, a certain stamina is required during the early phases of new franchises.
We see potential in central Africa, Turkey, Indonesia, and Myranmar, to name a few. Western China, Chechnya, and Nigeria are obvious but more distant possibilities.
The wonderful thing is, everybody has a share. Interested persons are invited to apply through the "classified" section of Inspire, if you can find it. It's like applying for a job at Google.
I think Pepe Escobar invented the word "petromonarchies." Anyway, he's the first I read of it. He also writes about NATOGCC, an alliance of the Transnational Military-Industrial-Congressional Complex (TMICC) with despotic feudal states sitting on oil (Gulf Cooperation Council).
If there's one thing Baird has learned from his infatuation with Israel it's chutzpah. Having lectured the Palestinians about the dangers of applying for statehood at the UN, and then lecturing the UN about the dangers of admitting Palestine as a state, Baird and Canada crashed and burned in a comprehensive General Assembly Vote: 138 to 9, with 41 abstentions. Admittedly, this wasn't as comprehensive as the vote against Canada becoming a rotating member of the Security Council, which was on the third and final vote in October 2010: Portugal 150, Canada, 32, and 10 abstentions. Canada tried to pull out before the final and humiliating defeat, but of 192 member nations, 150 stayed around to cast their votes, just to make sure. It doesn't get clearer than that.
Then there was the whole UAE fiasco.
A normal person might think Baird would be embarrassed to show his face anywhere in the Middle East or South Asia that wasn't Israel. Apparently not.
And, brazenly, he poses for a photo op in Dubai, an international region of good coffee, toasting... somebody... with a double-double.
If there's one single ingredient missing from John Baird, Stephen Harper, and the entire "Conservative" government, it's any sense of the absurd, particularly about themselves. Canada is being set up to look extremely foolish, and almost nobody in Canada is noticing. I look forward to Baird's "unexpected" visit to Kabul, to encourage Canadian troops from within his armoured bubble, babbling that NATO's goals in Afghanistan are within reach.
The following was found in a disused broom closet of the Empress Hotel in Victoria. I post it as a public service.
The Great Game: Play Resumed After Darkness
Main Characters
Ned Seagoon ...Harry Seacombe
Willium Cobblers... Peter Sellers
Hercules Grytpypte-Thynne... Peter Sellers
Moriarty... Spike Milligan
Major Denis Bloodknok... Peter Sellers
Eccles ...Spike Milligan
Henry Crun ...Peter Sellers
Minnie Bannister ...Spike Milligan
Lord Robertson ...Peter Sellers
Justin Eidelburger ...Peter Sellers
Bluebottle ...Peter Sellers
Announcer: Wallace Greenslade
Orchestra: Conducted by Wally Stott
Jaap de Hoop Scheffer: Harmonica
Kofi Annan and the Middle East Quartet
"I said repeatedly when NATO took over the International Stabilisation and Assistance force (ISAF), and others have underlined it since, that the choice is simple; either we go to Afghanistan or Afghanistan comes to us."
F.X: Sounds of horrendous crash, followed by rolling hubcap.
Greenslade: That is, after a nasty collision with Lord Hutton…
Willium: I knew it would end badly!
Greenslade: Not as badly as this episode of… the highly esteemed Goon Show!
F.X. rapturous applause
Greenslade: Entitled…The Great Game or,
ORCHESTRA: Ominous chords…
Greenslade: .... Play resumed after darkness……
ORCHESTRA: Eerie intro…
Greenslade: We take you now to an ornate bathroom in Brussels. The time: A crucial moment in 2011.
F.X.: Splashing of bath.
Seagoon: It is I dear listeners, Neddie Seagoon, now Lord Seagoon of Port Sunlight. I was sitting in my official bath at Headquarters of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. It was the first anniversary of my appointment as Secretary General. Yes, I, Neddie Seagoon, had arrived at the pinnacle of my career and had been given responsibility for a very large body of water.
F.X.: Knock at door.
Seagoon: Yes, what is it, Bubbles?
Willium : It’s a knock at the door, mate.
Seagoon: Pity, mate.
F.X. Door opening
Willium: It’s the British Ambassador, mate. He says it’s urgent.
Seagoon: Very good. Show him the Gents’ off the Conservatory.
Willium: I already done that, mate. It’s you he wants to see.
Seagoon: Ah, show him in.
F.X. Ship’s siren, followed by horrendous splintering noise of ship ramming pier…
Grytpype-Thynne: Sorry to barge in, Your Lordship….
Seagoon: Not at all. Care for a rubber duck?
GT: Thank-you, no. I’m trying to give them up.
Seagoon: I don’t think you’ll succeed, I’ve tried and failed.
GT: Never mind all that, Neddie, we’ve had a spot of bother with Afghanistan.
Seagoon: Afghanistan? Why, that’s impossible, we dealt with that years ago! And anyway, I’m in charge of the North Atlantic, it’s nothing to do with me.
GT: Not so fast, Ned! You will recall the last Secretary General but one?
Seagoon: Chap from Islay, (Macgoonagle pipes under) Lord Robertson of Port Ellen?
GT: Precisely. You will remember what he said about Afghanistan?
Seagoon: No.
GT: What a memory you have! Luckily, I have His Lordship recorded on this cardboard gramophone.
Robertson: (Macgoonagle pipes plus scratchy Macgoonagle voice) “either we go to Afghanistan, or Afghanistan comes to us”.
Seagoon: Well, we went to Afghanistan didn’t we?
GT: Well yes, but apparently not enough of us. I have good information……
ORCHESTRA: dramatic chords
GT: …that Afghanistan has now, in fact, come to us.
Seagoon: What what what what what what what????!!!!
GT: Please, don’t do that. Yes, Neddie, Afghanistan was sighted this morning in the Western Approaches, and is currently moored off Cornwall. British Customs won’t allow her to dock, and it’s rather interfering with shipping I’m afraid, completely blocking the Channel. You’ll have to do something.
Seagoon: Curse the Great Game! I thought we’d won!
GT: Extra innings, Neddie. But you needn’t take my word for it; I have my steam-driven zeppelin parked outside, and a French pilot of renown, Comte Toulouse-Moriarty of the House of Roland is standing by to show you for yourself.
FX: Sounds of steam engine, wind, and creaking in the rigging. Fade up and down under ...
Seagoon: This machine is a marvel of modern technology.
GT: (in quick) Quite so, it was designed by a technical sub-committee of the European Union, manufactured in 12 NATO countries, assembled in a carpark in Brussels, and the Comte here says it flies like a dream.
Moriarty: Yes, o yes, mmmmooooaaaawwww (fades to mumbles)
GT: Fortunately, the Comte’s dreams are NATO secrets.
Moriarty: Ohhhh, I like my dreams, aaooowwwww (mumbles)
Greenslade: At that point dear listeners, NATO’s flagship emerged from its cloud of suspicion to a sunlit spectacle of the western English Channel, with Afghanistan bobbing gently on the waves, its majestic mountains extending down the French coast, the Hindu Kush visible in the Bay of Biscay.
Seagoon: Egad! It’s, ah, rather large, isn’t it?
GT: You see the problem, Neddie. We can’t have Afghanistan next to Cornwall forever, can we?
Seagoon: But, how did it get here?
GT: You’ll have to speak to its driver. I’ll have the Comte descend at once to Kabul!
F.X. Accelerating steam engine
Greenslade: Meanwhile, the famous Jaap de Hoop Scheffer performs Arabian Nights in Amsterdam..
(Applause)
Seagoon: The Comte descended with deceptive ease to the Arg-e-Shahi (Citadel of the King), where I disembarked and at once demanded an audience with the Head of State.
FX: HEAVY KNOCKING ON DOOR. PAUSE. DOOR CREAKS OPEN.
Eccles: Helloooo?
Seagoon: And who are you?
Eccles: I’m the famous Eccles. Who are you, then?
Seagoon: I am Lord Seagoon of Port Sunlight, 12th Secretary-General of NATO. I demand an audience with your leader.
Eccles: One moment, my good man.
FX: Door closes. Footsteps receding. Endlessly. Silence. Returning footsteps. Door opens.
Eccles: Whom shall I say is calling?
Seagoon: Jim Crint.
Eccles: In that case, follow me!
Seagoon: I was led by this decrepit retainer deep in to the labyrinths of the citadel. We came finally to a throne room at the far end of which was a throne, upon which was seated…
ORCHESTRA: Bloodknok theme
F.X.: explosions
Bloodknok: Aeeeiouuuugh! Fan me dudgers, this Cornish heat is oppressive. Who are you, sir, and what do you want?
Seagoon: I am Lord Seagoon of Port Sunlight, 12th Secretary General of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, Order of the Bath and Bar. I demand to know what business you have bringing Afghanistan to the North Atlantic.
Bloodknok: Oohhh! Aeeoiugh! It’s nothing to do with me. I’m merely the man who would be king! Afghanistan has risen up and wants to spend the holiday season in Cornwall. Is that too much to ask?
Seagoon: It’s blocking the English Channel!
Bloodknok: So much the better. None of these nasty offshore winds.
Seagoon: I insist you remove Afghanistan at once!
Bloodknok: Neddie! Be reasonable! If it was up to me I would move at once. But… (intimate)…Neddie, there is more to this than meets the eye! Certain of my… agriculturalists…are demanding to join the European Union. They’re tired of paying the customs and excise, not to mention protection money. All we ask is a land bridge to Mousehole for our goods and services. If we had that, we could tow Afghanistan out of the way into the Irish Sea!
Seagoon: It seemed reasonable. I decided to take the matter up with British Customs in Cornwall.
F.X. Furious dialing. Phone off hook. Minnie Bannister: Hello? British Customs?
Seagoon: Hello? I must speak to the person in charge of British Customs.
Minnie: Devilish Man! We don’t speak about British customs in public!
Crun: Mnk… Min?
Minnie: (off) What is it Henry?
Seagoon: Hello?
Minnie: Just a moment. We’re rushed off our feet here.
Crun: Min! There’s another camel train here. It’s the fifth one we’ve had today, and they’re filling the camel park.
Minnie: They can’t come in! They’ve been told. You can’t have a camel in England, buddy.
Crun: But I don’t smoke, Min.
Minnie: Well you’ll have to take it up, Henry!
Crun: Mnk…take what up Min?
Minnie: Camels.
Crun: But we’ve just had them put down!
Minnie: Never mind that, buddy.
F.X.: WHOOSH
Seagoon: (in person) Good afternoon, little harried customs people.
Crun: Ohhhh! Who are you and what do you want?
Seagoon: I am the 12th Secretary General of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization…
Crun: …eleven camel drivers….
Min: …ten tons of hashish….
Crun: …nine Russian mafia….
Min: …eight Afghan warlords…
Crun: …seven billion dollars….
Min: …six useless treaties…
Min and Henry: FIVE AFGHAN WARS!!!!
Minnie: …four rigged elections…
Crun: …three million junkies…
Min: …endless uncut heroin
Min and Henry: …and a Seagoon in a pear tree!
Seagoon: I’ve seen quite enough! Driver, take me to Brussels to the accompaniment of Kofi Annan and the Middle East Quartet (It Had To Be You)
(Applause)
Greenslade: The Great Game, Part 3. The scene: NATO headquarters, Brussels
Lord Robertson: (Macgoonagle theme of wheezy bagpipes) Now then!
Seagoon: Now then!
Robertson: (pipes under) Now then, I told ye Afghanistan would come to us!
Seagoon: And who are you?
Robertson: (pipes under) I am Lord Robertson of Port Ellen, 10th Secretary General of NATO, and the Scottish ambassador to NATO, sir, and I told ye Afghanistan would come to us, I told ye! (rants on) But would ye listen? No! I told ye…
FX: Shot
Greenslade: I hated to see him suffer.
GRAMS: Resurgence of bagpipes Seagoon: The pipes are only wounded.
FX: Barrage of heavy machine guns.
GRAMS: slightly weaker pipes
FX: Heavy bombing Seagoon: I didn’t know Scotland had its own ambassador to NATO.
GT: And now it doesn’t, Neddie, we can get on with the discussion.
Seagoon: Ladies and gentlemen of NATO, Afghanistan is moored off Cornwall without a permit, and is blocking the channel. We need act decisively to rid ourselves of this threat to our common interests.
Justin Eidelburger: (outrageous German accent) What does it want, zis Afghanistan?
Seagoon: It wants to join the European Union and sell its agricultural products directly to consumers without duty!
Eidelburger: And where is it selling these products now?
Seagoon: …to the European Union without duty!
FX: sensation
Eidelburger: Zis is outrageous!
Seagoon: I have a solution. I present to you the head of the Drugs Sub-Directorate, from …INTERPOL!
Bluebottle: It is I, Bluebottle fans! He he he. Pauses for audience applause. Not a sausinge.
Seagoon: Tell us, little cardboard policeman, how can we deal with Afghanistan, to make it go away?!
Bluebottle: I will tell you my capitain! I have a secret plan! Thinks, once I show them the plan, it won’t be secret, but oh well. I will now show you a modern-type powerpoint presentation, complete with pictures!
FX: Wild applause.
Bluebottle: Thank-you. I bask in your adulation.
The first slide shows a photograph of ME AND MY SECRETARY, Sabrina...
F.X. wolf whistles
…censored to protect the delicate ears of BBC listeners! He he.
The second slide shows that the number of people using the naughty opium in North America and Europe is 0.5%, one half person in every hundred!
Eccles: Ooooo, which half are you Bottle?
Bluebottle: Shut up, Eccles!
Eccles: Shut up Eccles!
Bluebottle: The third slide shows the INTERPOL estimate of opium grown in Afghanistan, and you will see listeners, that is over 90 percent of the world’s supply.
OMNES: disapproving noises
Bluebottle: The fourth slide shows a clever INTERPOL-type “BIG BANG” drugs disposal unit on Dartmoor.
Seagoon: Any questions?
GT: It’s very impressive Neddie, but can you show us how it works?
Seagoon: Certainly. Inspector Bluebottle, press this plunger.
Bluebottle: Yes, I shall!
FX: Huge explosion.
Bluebottle: You dirty rotten swine, you have deaded me!
GT: Well done Moriarty, you get the camels into Devon, I’ll take Afghanistan back for another load.
Moriarty: Argggggghhhh!
Seagoon: But, but, but, but……
GT: Please Neddie, don’t do that. Just get back in your bath, and all will be well.
Seagoon: But if we just bought the opium ourselves, Afghanistan would go away, and we wouldn’t have a problem, would we?! (laughs nervously)
GT: (pause) Brilliant, Neddie. Allow me to present you with this stick of dynamite laced with plutonium.
Seagoon: Why, thank-you.
GT: Don’t mention it. Here, let me light it for you.
FX: match striking. Fuse burning. GT: (Far off) And it’s perfectly safe to inhale….
Seagoon: You silly, twisted boy!
FX: Nuclear explosion. Signature tune up and down for:
Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Seacombe, and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. Produced by Peter Eton in our dreams.
Syrians watch a bulldozer clear debris outside al-Shifa hospital in Aleppo, hit by a bomb dropped from a jet. Photograph: Francisco Leong/AFP/Getty Images
