Friday, July 16, 2010

3,000 Twin Otters Can't Be Wrong

I read that Canada is going to spend $16,000 million ($16B) on a new fighter (which includes parts and maintenance.) Hard to believe, particularly when it's not at all clear what such a machine will actually do, other than look incredibly hot. Maybe that's all it's supposed to do: impress the Big Toys Boys.

I suggest an alternative, to invest the entire amount in the Twin Otter, a fabulous aircraft of mythic abilities, designed and built in Canada. I figure, on the back of an envelope, not accounting for economies of scale, that we could get 3,000 Twin Otters for the same price. Admittedly, they would be slower, but there would be more of them to do...whatever the JSF-35 is supposed to do.

My fear is that this proposal would not be regarded as sexy enough in the macho world of the Conference of Defence Associations, extreme hardware masturbators. I therefore propose a number of variants:

Twin Otter Terrorist Interceptor

This variant is designed to protect Canadian erections against mindless hordes who want to knock them down. Armed with state of the art air-to-air missles, the TI would be available 24/7 to degrade terrorist airliners. Admittedly, they would not be as fast as terrorist airliners, but with modern technology they could be doing touch-and-goes at Boundary Bay Airport and still take out some Cathay Pacific rogue flight aimed at...well... the Canadian Museum of Anthroplogy.

Twin Otter Terminator

The Otter gunship, Canada's answer to the Spectre. We'd just load it up with guns to blow the hell out of anything. Also rockets. Cluster bombs. Everything.

Twin Otter Guardian

This variant has a radar dome mounted in the cargo bay, as well as state of the art sonar for amphibious operations.

Twin Otter Jihad

This Remotely Operated Aircraft is designed for a one-way flight, and has a munitions capability ranging from nuclear weapons to Molson Canadian. A deterrent second to none.